VMA’s, The Good, The Bad And The Beyoncé .

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It is strange to think of the days of my youth where I was glued to the idiot box watching music videos.

At the end of the year we all rooted for our BFF’s to take the silver astronaut home.

I don’t think I have turned on or tuned in to MTV or VH1 in years, but I assume they still offer music videos because it is time to celebrate those who made the biggest impact this year.

Last night was the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards, and while we didn’t expect any twerking teddy bears this year, we did expect Nicki Minaj, Usher, Maroon 5, Iggy Azalea, Five Seconds of Summer and, of course, Beyoncé herself.

Unlike most awards shows, no one really cares who wins — but the performances certainly provided good chatter over the twitter field.

If you couldn’t be bothered to spend two and a half hours of your limited lifespan on the couch watching young women wear sparkly onesies while lip-syncing their mega-hits, here’s what happened on the VMAs:

Five Seconds of Summer took home the night’s first award: Best Lyric Video, which is one of those videos you inadvertently click on YouTube thinking it’s the real video. Apparently, they give awards for those now.

Fingers Crossed: “I won’t fall off the stage… I hope.” — Iggy Azalea

Miley Cyrus announced that she has retired her twerk, because, “It’s not about twerking — it’s about music.” Guess she’ll have to leave the cultural appropriation to Taylor Swift this year.

Fifth Harmony weren’t quite famous enough to be allowed to perform inside the Forum, but they did get to bust out their synchronized moves on the red carpet. Similarly, Charli XCX was given the opportunity to perform her hit from The Fault in Our Stars soundtrack, “Boom Clap,” and gave the pre-show performance the respect it’s due by wearing a peignoir and mini-skirt and not giving a damn in the best rock fashion imaginable (and earning our love and respect for life). Sorry, Charli, that everyone is sick to death of “Fancy” — otherwise you might be allowed to play inside with Iggy Azalea.

Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj sing 'Bang Bang' together at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards   Photo Credits: MTV/Getty Images

Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj sing ‘Bang Bang’ together at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards
Photo Credits: MTV/Getty Images

The Big Opener: Ariana Grande wore her trademark high ponytail, go-go boots and a sparkly swimsuit romper thing to sing “Break Free,” then was quickly blown off the stage by the fierce beats of a bleeped-out version of Nicki Minaj‘s “Anaconda.” The spectacle was filled with twerking, floor-writhing, booty rubbing and absolutely no snakes. That segued into “Bang Bang,” with Jessie J showing side hip, Grande wearing a different romper-go-go boot pairing and Minaj holding her dress together with her hands. Wardrobe malfunction or fashion forward? We may never know, but we do know that Minaj was the consummate professional and just let the show go on. We also know it was all a bit too much for Rita Ora.

Video of the Year
Miley Cyrus, “Wrecking Ball”

Best Hip-Hop
Drake ft. Majid Jordan, “Hold On (We’re Going Home)”

Best Male
Ed Sheeran, “Sing”

Best Female
Katy Perry ft. Juicy J, “Dark Horse”

Best Pop
Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea, “Problem”

Best Rock
Lorde, “Royals”

MTV Artist to Watch
Fifth Harmony, “Miss Movin On”

Best Collaboration
Beyoncé ft. Jay Z, “Drunk In Love”

MTV Clubland Award
Zedd ft. Hayley Williams, “Stay the Night”

Best Video With a Social Message
Beyoncé, “Pretty Hurts”

Best Cinematography
Beyoncé, “Pretty Hurts”

Best Editing
Eminem, “Rap God”

Best Choreography
Sia, “Chandelier”

Best Direction
DJ Snake & Lil Jon, “Turn Down For What”

Best Art Direction
Arcade Fire, “Reflektor”

Best Visual Effects
OK Go, “The Writing’s On the Wall”

Best Lyric Video
5 Seconds of Summer, “Don’t Stop”

Beyoncé Time: Beyoncé delivered a medley of tracks from her self-titled album, dancing around the stage in a bejeweled bodysuit. Jay Z and Blue Ivy watched from the sideline.

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Beyoncé was clearly having more fun than anyone in the room. She giggled while singing “surfbort,” smiled into the camera while straddling a stripper pole, invited the audience to singalong to “Drunk in Love,” got the crowd on their feet to clap along, and laughed while singing the “Flawless” remix with her baby dancing along in the front row. Jay brought Blue Ivy on stage with him to present his wife with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, dubbing her the “greatest living entertainer.” Well it is his opinion now and the audience couldn’t help but start chanting “Beyoncé! Beyoncé!”

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It is what it is.

Lou Ceffer

 

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